Thursday, May 22, 2008

Dooshy Strikes Back

Wow Chico, I don't even know where to begin.

First a question:

Do you look exactly like Richard Simmons or are you an oversized faux-Mexican version of Richard Simmons... Ricardo Simmons?

"Aiy! Dios mio! There goes Mexican Richard -- I mean Ricardo -- Simmons."

This could actually be an advantage for you if you were able to create a very successful spin-off exercise business. I am imagining you on Univision right now doing a commercial during a soap opera. "Have you eaten too many burritos? With my new sweat into the oldies (La Bamba playing), you can drop a whole chulupa and look fabulouso again."

I think your argument about my vomiting contains some fallacies. You are connecting regular vomiting with projectile vomiting. This isn't puking on some dude sitting next to you at the bar cause you had too many Smirnoff ices like I did last night.

This is exorcist-style vomiting across the room.... and when they remake that movie, having this power ensures that I will get that role.


BAM. Movie star quality poon.

Now, movie career aside, there will be some problems with getting laid while being a projectile vomiter. The only chicks I can get with my power are bulimics, who envy my abilities. Also, 300 lb chicks whose options for getting laid are limited to me or fellow dooshblog poster Black Mamba who likes em' deuce and a half or bigger.

I also feel like you're missing some of the advantages of my super power. For example, let's say you want to get out of doing anything (exam, going to see a chick-flick, going to work, or maybe your wife or girlfriend wants to drag you to a Richard Simmons book signing at the Mall). You can get out of it by "having the stomach flu".

Also, what about getting the most perfect revenge on everyone who has ever pissed you off.....or had sex with your sister in the back seat of a car...while you were driving...and then you had nightmares.... and had to see a shrink... and couldn't get an erection for 2 years... but that is neither here nor there. Anyways you get the point.

Payback is a bitch. And it is an even bigger bitch when it involves projectile vomiting.

Now if Richard Simmons could projectile vomit, then we would have something.

I will end with a quote from Wayne's World:

Garth Algar: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?

Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Question?

Sorry we haven't written in a while. We were debating this question for the past week and decided to post our discussion.

Here's the question:
Would you rather RECEIVE FELLATIO from Britney Spears' head on top of Patrick Ewing's body (which looks something like this)



...or would you rather HAVE SEX with Britney Spears' body with Patrick Ewing's head (which looks something like this)?


Chico and I have differing opinions on the matter. In fact, we spent the past week questioning one another's sexuality. We'll break down each side of the argument for you and let you decide which one of us is gayer.

Personally, I would rather have sex with Britney Spears' body than receive head from well....her head. First of all, if you go with the BJ, it means you are receiving head from a dude. Gender is determined by genitalia and last time I checked all those parts are located below the neck.

Second, proportionally you are dealing with a lot more Ewing when you have his 7 foot frame attached to Britney's head. At least with the sex, you are dealing with a normal sized body. I am not 6'5" and therefore I would have to stand on a step stool for Britney Spears' head to line up correctly with my chode.

Also, I think that odds are Patrick is a lot less annoying personality-wise....so having his head/brain is actually in some ways an advantage as you don't have to listen to Britney's idiotic whining.

Now, there are many questions that need to be answered.

For example, where exactly are the vocal chords located? What I mean is, do I have to listen to Patrick groan as I give it Britney's body? If so that hurts my argument. Or are the vocal chords lower and will Chico hear Ewing's grunts coming out of Britney's mouth? Also, can you bury Patrick's huge head in a pillow?

There are limited positions that you can do because physics tells us that Brittany's torso will not be able to hold up Patrick's head. Therefore, one is limited to missionary or doggy with the head on the ground. It certainly bolsters my argument if you can cover the head with a giant pillow. It would be much harder for Chico to drape a giant sheet over Ewing's body.

Finally, does anyone find out about this?!?! No matter what you choose, if people were to know about your Patrick/Brittany exploits it would not be good for business.

It would be much easier to explain to people that you banged Brittany and then say something like, "Her face looks different when she takes off her makeup."

On the other hand, Chico would be forced to say, "I got head from Britney Spears. As an aside, did you know that she has a giant schlong and wears knee braces?"

For me the choice is clear...what say you Chico?

Friday, May 9, 2008

Doosh of the Day

Joseph Linello has MAJOR LABEL INTEREST. He has serious emotional pain. No one understands him. He loves Creed, Jesus, and himself. He is either a sarcastic genius or the greatest douche of all time.
Judge for yourself here.



It is not just his incredible voice, which is a toneless mix between Scott Stapp and Eddie Vedder. Its like the members of Creed all shit in a bucket after a long night of eating laxatives, borscht, enchilladas, and glass shards.

He is the cup in 2 Girls 1 Cup.

His true genius lies in his lyrics. He speaks the truth about relationships:

No one understands me,
You can't feel my pain.
No one understands me,
Life is one big game

(now the music gets really hardcore)
but I lose the game for yooooouuuuuu
what I say is truuuuuuuuueeee

No one understands me,
my heart hurts real baaaad.
no one understands me,
and that makes me saaaad.




How can one cope with this sheer brilliance? My unworthy ears melt, my inhibitions dissolve, my panties moisten. He speaks directly to my soul. He has MAJOR LABEL INTEREST.

My God, Joey Linello is the next Bob Dylan.

He has recently blessed his adoring fans by answering some questions:

Q: "Dude, are you for real?"

A: Like I said, Jesus blessed me with great looks, and the ability to rock. But, also I have had a lot of pain in my life. The emotional kind. For example, when I was a teenager, my parents really didn't understand me at all. That pain is real. For most people, being a teenager is all proms and parties and stuff. Sure, I went to prom (actually, I was prom king my senior year) and I went to a few keggers. But, there was also emotional pain. They didn't understand that. SO YES, THIS IS FOR REAL.

Here are some more incredibly awesome lyrics:

We said that we would wait till marriage
But still, I touched your bosoms.
We would french kiss at the movies
I'd buy you roses by the dozens

But then some loser caught your eye
Some guy who doesn't pray to Jesus

He has no major label interest
So what could you see in him?

can he flex his pecs like me?
can he rub your bosoms like me?

I'll have a private jet
I'll have a huge jacuzzi
A mansion like a palace
But you won't be there with me

Jesus will judge you for leaving me!


Monday, May 5, 2008

Doosh of the Year (or in this case the last 75 million years)

Scientology

Last December my office was sent a Christmas card from our contact at a company we use for marketing materials. This card included a DVD from Scientology that was basically a bunch of fake commercials for "doing the right thing" as it showed various real life situations. This of course makes perfect sense. Only people who isolate themselves from their friends and family, give all their money to build technology to communicate with science fiction characters, and are total dooshes are capable of doing the right thing. In return I sent the woman from the marketing company a huge dreidel and marked the box "Jewish Butt Plug." I explained that by inserting the dreidel in her rectum she could prevent the evil lord Xenu from giving her an anal probe.