Into The Heart of Darkness: Foxfield Races

It has been widely known for some time that the Northern variant of the Douchebag species (Homo Sapiens Douchbageous Nord) breeds in bathrooms and back alleys as well as beachouses along the southern Jersey Shore. However, the mating rituals of the Southern Douchebag variant have been something of a mystery.

A recent investigation into Southern Douchebag (Homo Sapiens Douchbageous Sud) mating rituals has revealed a startling truth: Southern Douchebags are a migratory species, much like the Monarch Butterfly (Danaus plexippus). This brand of Douchebags migrate to the Foxfield horse race every year in order to breed with other douchebags who are endowed with similarly-sized trust funds.

Our crack team of Douchebag specialists was recently able to infiltrate this breeding ground, and came away with a number of startling observations sure to puzzle douchebagologists for some time.

Southern Douchebags

Extensive tranquilizing and sampling operations ("Bagging and Tagging") have revealed a startling mix of douchey genetic materials from across the south, including several minorities. To be sure, the minorities also dressed quite douchily. It appears that contrary to previous assumptions, there is a significant difference between Southern Rednecks (who inbreed religiously) and Southern Douchebags.

The Foxfield race itself was truly a sight to behold. On a personal note, the event itself made the years of painstaking research into Douchebags worthwhile for this team. We were surrounded by a cornucopia of douchebags, in larger numbers and higher concentrations ever before observed in the wild. It was as though the series of "Left Behind" books had come true and the Apocalypse was upon us.

Several observations are worth noting: First, it appears that the characteristics that set douchebags apart from normal humans are emphasized even more when they are concentrated into large groups (of 1,000 or more). Thus they were extra-douchy. Frankly the levels of douchebaggery witnessed at Foxfield exceeded anything previously observed anywhere in the known Universe.

Where a regular douche would normally wear a polo, the douches in this crowd wore a pink polo, or even a douchtastic pink and plaid button down shirt. One douche was even observed wearing two pink polo shirts, with both collars popped.

You can't make this shit up.

Male Southern Douchebags

The females of the species were much more uniform in their appearance, though they were often seen wearing giant hats, which suggested an attempt to either disguise themselves as Speedy Gonzalez in a sombrero or else to appear like Carmen Sandiego.

A ridiculous Carmen Sandiego-type Hat

Thongs and boobage were frequently visible. However those female douches were generally "fugly", leaving this author merely at "half-mast."

Female Southern Douchebags

It is believed that the strict adherence to this retarded dress code is a form of Peacocking, wherein douchebags must out-douche their rivals to impress and later nail potential mates.

Finally, two bizarre and incredibly douchy behaviors were observed:

1) Slap fights (we're not shitting you), where plastered Douchebag males slap each other as hard as possible in the face.

This baffles our team. The ritual appeared to accomplish nothing, yet involved a large crowd of cheering douches. We speculate that this skill may be useful in piloting a sailboat, managing a trust fund, or owning a plantation. Much more research is needed in this area.

2) Piss-trough sliding.

Males were observed collecting money in exchange for sliding in a trough full of piss. As they are mostly wealthy and enjoy exploiting minorities and poor people, it is hard to ascertain what the exact motivation for this particular ritual was. Further observation is again required.

In conclusion, Goddamn these people suck.

Why do they always make jews into dorks?

I recently asked myself why movies/tv shows always depict Jews as being huge dorks? I mean I thought we controlled Hollywood? WTF!

As a member of the tribe this is very hurtful. Especially after some schmucks swatted my yarmulke and gave me a vicious titty twister.

Let's take a look at a few prime examples:

• Paul Pfeiffer from The Wonder Years - In addition to being Kevin Arnold's lifelong best friend, Paul has thick glasses, gets good grades, is uncoordinated, and is allergic to everything.
  
  

Why couldn't Kevin's Jewish friend be a super athlete? There have been tons of great Jewish athletes over the years. For example: Sandy Koufax and.......... Sandy Koufax.

• Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen from The Goonies - Chunk is the quintessential fat kid. He is obsessed with Baby Ruth candy bars and his friends are always raggin' on him asking him to do his fat kid dance (the Truffle Shuffle). He is also known for making up ridiculous stories. I mean why couldn't they have made the fat kid more like Augustus Gloop from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Don't you think it is time we made ze Germans into the fat losers? I mean they kind of owe us...
  
  

• Charlie "Fink" Finklestein from Beerfest - Plays the nerdy scientist who is only on the beer drinking team for his scientific knowledge of beer. He wears a yarmulke that keeps getting knocked off and thrown around.
  Why can't the Jewish character also be the All-American, popular guy who gets all the chicks......................................................................

Which leads me to my next section. Despite controlling Hollywood, Jews have not been able to create cool Jewish characters. What is so strange is that some of the coolest and biggest players of all time.... are Jewish! For example:

• Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli from Happy Days- Leather jacket, double thumbs up, catch phrases, mad bitches, and the ability to start the juke box with one tap. Basically the definition of cool. The Fonz was played by Jew-boy Henry Winkler.





• Gene Simmons from Kiss - Gene Simmons (real name Chaim Witz), besides being a rock-god, he has allegedly slept with over 4,600 women.





• David Lee Roth from Van Halen - Another rocker "Diamond Dave" is also renowned for banging tons of chicks. Unfortunately, he is clearly a total doosh.
  
  




• Ron Jeremy - Ron Jeremy (real name Ron Hyatt) has a masters degree in special education...... and is the most famous porn star of all time. He can fellate himself.
  
  

There is hope. As Seth Rogen (tribe member) pointed out in Knocked Up, Eric Bana plays one bad-ass Jew in Munich.

Therefore I am proposing a Jewish superhero. Not a joke like in that movie The Hebrew Hammer, but a real superhero.

Perhaps by day he is a mild-mannered accountant.

But by night he beats the shit out of thieves, and then takes the stolen money and makes sounds investments in a diverse portfolio using his super market sense.

That should get rid of all those ridiculous stereotypes!

Body Spray

Axe/Tag Body Spray........Cause You Are A Dooshbag

I think it goes without saying that people who wear Axe/Tag Body Spray suck balls. Only a dude who is a total dooshbag would be ignorant enough to be duped into buying body spray. The manufacturer created a brand new market by selling body spray, which was formerly just a feminine product, to men.

The real genius - and a testimony to the level of dooshdom that exists in our society - was how these bastards were able to market it. Basically they managed to successfully re-brand body spray (at least in the eyes of dooshes) by showing commercials where hot women throw themselves at dirty-looking guys who use the spray.

The message: You're an unattractive dude. But if you apply this feminine body spray, hot chicks will want to nail you.

This is not the first time a manufacturer has used this method to sell a feminine product to men. Back in the days when women used more hair product than men, someone started marketing hair mousse to men. In the commercial the slogan was, "Are you man enough for mousse?"

This, of course, was total nonsense. No one says, "Are you feminine enough for our penile implants?"

Yet this works. What else could marketers convince dooshes to buy?



Around the world, dooshbags are dousing themselves in body spray and mousse. Thankfully, these products are flammable, leaving open the chance for eventual divine intervention to bring the world back into balance.

Dating Dooshes part duex

After recanting my last dating tale with my sister she has determined that she’s met the perfect man for me.

“Ria, you live in Florida, how are you going to hook me up with anyone?” Well Lo, I talked to my friend and his childhood friend, he’s 28 and is going to grad school at the University of Rochester to get his masters in Psychology. He doesn’t know a lot of people in town. I trust his judgment, I’m giving him your number.

A few days later I get a voice mail. Heavy Long Island accent stating that his friend knows my sister and gave him my number and that he’d love to get together sometime. So I called back and we agreed to meet Friday night at a local bar for dinner and drinks. I arrive and he’s not that attractive, but I’m Suzie Sunshine the eternal optimist, remember?, so who cares right? So the waiter comes by and gives us a menu…singular…menu, because they were short that evening because it was so busy. Apparently Mr. Long Island read this as he was to order for the two of us. (Picture the most obnoxious Long Island accent in the world)…so, uh, lets get some appetizers and some beer. We’ll have the, uh, potato skins and the mozzarella sticks. Done and done, waiter was gone. Could you not have ordered some crapper faire? Gross! I want a meal dammit!

But being Suzie Sunshine who shits rainbows and lollipops, I was going to be nice. “So my sister tells me you go to U of R to get your Masters in Psych”. Well, uh, not exactly. I, uh, go to SUNY Geneseo, I’m a freshman in psychology, but I’m thinking of switchin’ my major”. Ok, so my sister is off a bit, I’m not on a date with a grad student at a great school, I’m on a date with a balding loser from Long Island who can’t get through a sentence without saying “uh” and is a college freshman. “Oh, ok, how do you like Rochester?” (Again picture the MOST obnoxious Long Island accent) Well the people are, uh, nice. But I gotta tell you, I don’t like your accents. CAN YOU HEAR YOURSELF TALK MAN!

Throughout the evening I learned some interesting facts about Mr. Long Island. Not only is he a 28 year old college freshman, but he is unemployed stating that he was uh, planning to get a job this summer, but never, uh, got around to it.. Eventually he states that he knows this great bar we should go to, he knows of some festivities that evening. I’m buzzing off about 4 beers at this point and tell him ok, but it’s getting dark and I can’t drive at night due to my night blindness. He agrees to follow me to my house and pick me up. Of course I parked in the street so he wouldn’t know which house was mine and we were on our way to O’Callahans Pub. Upon arrival I tell him that I was going to use the restroom. Upon return there are two, count them, 2 pitchers of beer on our table. Ok, this guys a rockstar! So I sit and he keeps pouring me drinks, I know full well I could take this guy with my hands tied behind my back, plus all the other bar patrons kept looking at me like “why are you with this clown?”, so they had my back too.

So this unemployed 28 year old college freshman keeps drinking. I’m trying to be nice. “So it must be tough for you to be in a city where you don’t know anyone. And since you haven’t worked all summer (he didn’t even notice the malice undertone) how do you keep busy?” To be perfectly honest wit ya, I basically sit home all day and drink my fucking face off! And what sucks about the Rochester bars is that they close at 2 a.m., so I just go home grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and wander around the streets of downtown Rochester, “…Well, I understand that it’s tough being alone in a new town, and although you’re an unemployed 28 year old college freshman, who sits around and “drinks his fucking face off” and are still ready for an exciting evening on the town, I HAVE a job, I’ve got two mozzarella sticks in me and I worked all week, so I’m tired and I think it’s time to go home”. Uh, alright, I’ll drive you. I’m seriously contemplating just walking home at this point, but since the police have knocked on my door every weekend for the last month to see if I witnessed the armed robbery directly in front of my apartment, I decide it’s in my best interest to get a ride.

So, uh, is this your house?. “Yea, thanks for the ride and the “lovely” evening”. I’m about to jump from his moving vehicle. Oh, uh, I forgot to mention…my license is suspended. Did this guy take Dating for Losers 101? “So you mean to tell me that you’re a 28 year old, college freshman with a suspended license who’s hobby it is to “sit around all day and drink your fucking face off?”. I’m tallying every awful thing about this guy in my head and dying to tear a new one on my sister for this set up. Uh, Basically, yea, that’s my story. Good thing I wasn’t packing.

We get to my house and I just want to crawl in there and hide. Then I hear: Can I use your, uh, bathroom? “Is that absolutely necessary?” I, uh, really gotta go. “ I know, I watched you drink 3 pitchers of beer in as many hours, no freaking wonder you have to pee, you have 5 minutes”. I stay out on my patio because I don’t want to be in the same room as him. 5 minutes pass, 10, 20…Holy Crap, this guy is either passed out, riffling through my stuff, or dropping a fucking deuce in my bathroom!! I pull out my pocketknife and enter my apartment. As I’m opening the door I see him, he’s on his way out with a beer in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. I uh, thought you might want a nightcap. “You just helped yourself to my refrigerator? Look, I’m tired, you need to go home!” But Laura (again can I stress how obnoxious his accent is, you cannot fully appreciate this story without incorporating the accent) we’re having such a wonderful time! Can I get a kiss goodbye? Were we on the same date?? “Will that make you go away?” I give him a kiss on the cheek and he grabs my crotch!! “Look asshole, I don’t know what kind of drunken dating baseball you play, but get the fuck out!”

Two days later I get a phone message: Laura, uh, I had a mah-gi-cal, uh, evening. I’d love to see you again. Obviously I ignore after reaming my sister out for the entire situation. Exactly one week later: Laura, uh, I left you a message about a week ago, you must not have gotten it, I’d love to see you again. Where do these people come from? Apparently Long Island.

Douches Countdown #14

You know those guys who claim, “9-11 was an inside job.” Well those guys are the recipients of the number 14 spot of biggest douches of all time. I assume that these guys are so consumed with this conspiracy because they have spent so much time playing World of Warcraft that they can no longer differentiate between fiction and reality. I mean really, don’t they have something better to be passionate about?

Black mamba was at a protest in the DC area against the war in Iraq a few months ago, and these guys were there mingling amongst the group. They were passing out flyers and constantly shouting through a megaphone. What a bunch of douches. They probably all watched the youtube video which purports to prove that explosives were placed inside the towers and that the Pentagon was hit with a missile. This comports with one of the elements needed to prove douchey-ness: Douche: one who believes anything seen on the internet, especially if it involves a vast conspiracy.

These douches also have a counterpart, the douches that think that the Jews were behind the attack and that they evacuated all the Jews from the buildings. This just goes to show that the universe of douches is large and growing by the day. Enjoy!

For more proof, you can see this official al-Qaeda spokesman confirm that they, in fact, carried out the 9-11 attacks.

9/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says

PS: Black mamba happens to think that it was actually these little bastards who committed the atrocities on 9-11.

Shrooms!

Coming this Fall, Doosh TV will be coming out with an all new reality TV show - Shrooms!

During each episode of Shrooms one or more characters will be unknowingly given psychedelic mushrooms. Shrooms will follow ordinary citizens through nerve racking situations. Participants will think they are being followed around by the tv crew to watch how they react in tough social situations. What they don't know is, at one point either themselves and/or others will at some point during the show start tripping on some hardcore psychedelics.

Imagine meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time at Thanksgiving dinner. Already nervous about making a good impression you start to freak out as the turkey begins dancing on the table cause you are on Shrooms!


How about going in to take the LSATs and all of a sudden the exam proctor is running around the room trying to hide under your desk from an imaginary Unicorn....cause he is on Shrooms!


I don't want to spoil the season finale, but I will tell you that involves an Amish wedding.


For those of you naysayers worried about legality issues regarding the way people will be drugged with out their knowledge: All guests will sign a very confusing waiver (just like those dooshbags on the RV in Borat). It also worked for that Girls Gone Wild creator....... oh wait, he is in prison.... crap.

Under Enemy Fire

A few weeks ago it was discovered that Hillary's story about being under heavy sniper fire while traveling to Bosnia on a USO tour with Cheryl Crow and Sinbad was a load of BS. Here is the story in case you missed it.



After following the story, I got on awesome idea for a political commercial.

You have Hillary, Sinbad, and Sheryl Crow on a military plane.




Sheryl Crow and Sinbad are casually talking when Hillary runs over with an intense look on her face. She explains to the two of them that when the plane lands they will be under heavy sniper fire. When the plane door opens, Sheryl Crow runs out holding her guitar over her head to protect her from the bullets. Then you see Sinbad walk out carrying Hillary with that Whitney Houston song from The Bodyguard playing.



Meanwhile the little girl waiting with flowers to greet Hillary is just shaking her head.

Bottle Rocket Doosh

One of my all time favorites...

Dating Dooshes

I have been instructed to introduce myself and my expertise on dooshes: Well I'm good friends with one of the founding bloggers here. I'm a friend from college and he loves to hear my weekly "why do they let me out?" phonecalls. So these are my dating tales: Dating Dooshes 101:

"Worlds Greatest Dad"

I had started a new job and was out on the town with my new work buddies. Hopping bar to bar, having fun. The last bar we frequented was a dive called Oxfords. I’m half asleep at my barstool when a beautiful man approaches me. He sits, we talk. He asks my name. I tell him in my most nasally annoying Rochester accent “Laura”.
Laaaauuurrra, he says in his best European accent. I laugh. He tells me that he really is from Europe, he was an Army brat and grew up in Germany and Italy. I figure he’s just trying to pick me up, so I test it out. “Alright, if you speak German then tell me how to say ‘I love you cheese sandwich’” (for whatever the reason that is the only phrase I know in German). Ish labadish Quesprat (I know that's spelled wrong) He responds. Ok, guess he does speak German. We keep chatting, and eventually became those disgusting people making out at the bar. The bar gets ready to close and all my friends are nowhere to be found. Guy asks if he can walk me home because evidently he lives right around the corner from me. “I don’t know you, I think I’ll be ok on my own”. I’ll buy you a slice from Sal’s. Hmm, drunk food. What the hell. So we walk to Sal’s Pizzeria (nice plug) and get some pizza and commence our stumble home. He goes on and on about how beautiful I am as I’m stuffing my face with garlic pizza. We get half way there and he tells me that we’re right near his house and he needs to stop to use the bathroom, asks if I want to come up. Not only am I a ninja, but I do watch 20/20. I tell him that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to come up as I don’t know him at all. He assures me, and I check his biceps and realize I could take him if I had to. So we venture up to his apartment. Holy Shit!!! Brown shag carpeting and a living room where futons go to die. Ewww. I immediately tell him that I’m going to continue walking home. He follows, Laaaauuuurrra, I don’t want to walk by yourself, please let me accompany you. Fuck it. So we walk, and finally arrive at my front door. He lets himself in, I fall into the couch and we resurrect our bar making out behavior. So as we’re making out he drops something out of his pocket, bends down to get it…then I see it: The banner on the elastic band of his boxer shorts reads “World’s Greatest Dad”.
I throw him off me at this point, look him dead in the eyes and ask “Do you have children?” Why yes Laaaauuuurrra, I have eight children”. “Get the Fuck out of my apartment!!!” It was just a joke my beautiful Laaauuuurrrra, I have no children. “Are you fucking kidding me? Who goes out on a Friday night with all intention of picking up a woman rocking “World’s Greatest Dad” boxer shorts?” They were on sale at Target. “Get the hell out”. Will you walk me home? “What? You just walked me home! Why don’t you get your army of children to drag you home in their Radio Flyer?”. Literally had to manhandle him out the door. The next day he calls: Laaaaauuurrrra, I can’t wait to see you again, talk to you later, Paolo. First of all his name was Paul! I guess it would have been decent game had he not been some American army brat who could roll his R’s with perfection.

upstate dooshes

Local dooshes: a day in the life of a single female

So naturally my next stop was "Show World", our local porn distributor. I don't know the next time I'm getting any so what the hell? I pick out a new toy and head to the clerk. My friend makes a comment to me and I retort: "Who needs a warm body when you have something blue that vibrates". The clerk chimes in: So are you bitter or something? Uh-oh, not good timing Mr. Porno man. "Bitter?" I ask. "Do you get a lot of bitter girls in here? Bitter is a funny word. Let's discuss it. I see that you're around 35, it's Friday night and you are working at a porno shop in your acid washed tapered Jordache jeans….let's discuss bitter Asshole!!" I tore into this clown and was asked to leave, but I got my toy and the scared porno clerk threw in some free batteries

Spinsterhood here I come!

Haiku

cock-master so lame,
popped collar ass cream sandwich;
jump off yonder bridge

Baracky

I like how Hillary tried to compare herself to Rocky a couple weeks back. Has she ever seen the movie Rocky? Does she realize that Rocky actually loses...... to a black guy!!!! I think Barack should have said, "Yeah, Hillary is like Rocky.... Rocky V kinda Rocky!! Oh Snap!

The 15 Biggest Douches of All Time Countdown

Over then next few weeks I will be counting down the 15 biggest douche bags of all time.
I appreciate any suggestions over the coming days since there are so many to chose from.
However, for today, number 15 is James Warren Jones.

Mr. Jones was the founder of the Peoples Temple, who convinced a bunch of simpletons to follow him down to Guyana, to live in his little community Jonestown. He finally convinced 900 people to kill themselves by ingesting cyanide or shooting themselves. Now, it is a given that many of these followers were probably also major douches just by virtue of the fact that they followed this asshole into the jungle.

He claimed to be an incarnation of Jesus, Akhenaten, the Buddha, Lenin, and Father Divine and performed supposed miracle healings to attract new converts. Members of Jones' church called him "Father" and believed their movement was the solution to the problems of society.

So today we salute you Mr. Jones, for being number 15 on the biggest douche bag of all time countdown.

The Work Doosh

Another important doosh that we need to highlight is the one that shows up in the work place.

The work doosh is another category of the "self-righteous half-retarded doosh" that Chico brought up in his previous post.

The Work Doosh is usually a fuck-tarded moron who will make you dread going to work in the morning for fear of having to see his prissy face and monogrammed shirts.


We all know the type. The Work Doosh goes out of his way to brown nose, and eat out of your boss's ass in the hope of getting ahead. This is worse in DC where there is a direct correlation between incompetence and self-importance.

If you work with such a person, you'll find yourself repeatedly looking for places where the doosh cannot spawn. Any such location, including hiding underneath your desk, will bring you happiness. Yes, the Work Doosh is that bad.

New Vegas Hotels

After a recent trip to Vegas, I decided that it was time for Las Vegas to embrace some new ideas for themed hotels.

1. One problem with Vegas is that all the casinos have the same machines, table games, and the same type of sportsbook. I propose a new hotel where instead of using the arena for boxing matches, you use it for animal death matches. People have always debated who would win in a fight, a lion or a tiger. Well now we can find out.... and bet on it. There are an endless number of animal matches you could have. For example, who would win in a fight between a polar bear and a grizzly bear? You could also adjust odds by manipulating the terrain. Perhaps grizzly bears are stronger, but for the fight you fill the arena with ice and snow to give the polar bear an advantage. In my opinion the ultimate fight would be between a Liger and a Tigon... but that is just me.

Now you probably have a few questions about how this could even be possible. Allow me to answer the two most frequently asked questions:

Question 1: How could you get animals to fight each other? Animals are not like humans, they only fight to eat and for survival.
Answer: PCP.


Question 2: How do you plan to get around animal protection laws and protests from dooshy animal right activists?





Answer: Perhaps you are not understanding the type of revenue these fights will generate? You donate a portion of the $ to various animal rights organizations. For every animal that dies, countless more will be saved because animal rights organizations will now have the resources they need to fight off poachers and open up new animal sanctuaries. Do the math.



2. Vegas has tons of hotels that are based on famous cities (New York, Paris, Venice). I think it is time to expand the list. I propose a Soviet/Communist themed hotel. The hotel will be shaped like the Kremlin.

Instead of waiting in line for the buffet like other hotels, guest will wait in line for bread.


Instead of winning money at the blackjack table, guests will share the winnings with others (communism, remember?). Proletariat Unite!

Mr. T - Treat Your Mother Right

#1 all time on the unintentional dooshery scale

Facebook Dooshes

You ever notice that the dudes with the most friends on facebook are the biggest dooshes? One would think that the most popular kid from HS would have the most.... but no, it always turns out to be some dooshbag who everyone hates. This doosh of course thinks that adding every person from his high school class and having 800 friends some how validates him and shows the world that he has a million friends. This one doosh from my school has over 2,500 facebook friends.... this is the same kid who had issues with accidentally biting people during soccer games because he ran with his mouth open. Therefore I have decided that there is a direct correlation between the # of facebook friends and dooshyness. Please note that this theory does not apply to girls. A cute girl might have 800 facebook friends, but for different reasons (usually because tons of people like the dooshbag mentioned above send them 400 friend requests until they finally give in).