Into The Heart of Darkness: Foxfield Races

It has been widely known for some time that the Northern variant of the Douchebag species (Homo Sapiens Douchbageous Nord) breeds in bathrooms and back alleys as well as beachouses along the southern Jersey Shore. However, the mating rituals of the Southern Douchebag variant have been something of a mystery.

A recent investigation into Southern Douchebag (Homo Sapiens Douchbageous Sud) mating rituals has revealed a startling truth: Southern Douchebags are a migratory species, much like the Monarch Butterfly (Danaus plexippus). This brand of Douchebags migrate to the Foxfield horse race every year in order to breed with other douchebags who are endowed with similarly-sized trust funds.

Our crack team of Douchebag specialists was recently able to infiltrate this breeding ground, and came away with a number of startling observations sure to puzzle douchebagologists for some time.

Southern Douchebags

Extensive tranquilizing and sampling operations ("Bagging and Tagging") have revealed a startling mix of douchey genetic materials from across the south, including several minorities. To be sure, the minorities also dressed quite douchily. It appears that contrary to previous assumptions, there is a significant difference between Southern Rednecks (who inbreed religiously) and Southern Douchebags.

The Foxfield race itself was truly a sight to behold. On a personal note, the event itself made the years of painstaking research into Douchebags worthwhile for this team. We were surrounded by a cornucopia of douchebags, in larger numbers and higher concentrations ever before observed in the wild. It was as though the series of "Left Behind" books had come true and the Apocalypse was upon us.

Several observations are worth noting: First, it appears that the characteristics that set douchebags apart from normal humans are emphasized even more when they are concentrated into large groups (of 1,000 or more). Thus they were extra-douchy. Frankly the levels of douchebaggery witnessed at Foxfield exceeded anything previously observed anywhere in the known Universe.

Where a regular douche would normally wear a polo, the douches in this crowd wore a pink polo, or even a douchtastic pink and plaid button down shirt. One douche was even observed wearing two pink polo shirts, with both collars popped.

You can't make this shit up.

Male Southern Douchebags

The females of the species were much more uniform in their appearance, though they were often seen wearing giant hats, which suggested an attempt to either disguise themselves as Speedy Gonzalez in a sombrero or else to appear like Carmen Sandiego.

A ridiculous Carmen Sandiego-type Hat

Thongs and boobage were frequently visible. However those female douches were generally "fugly", leaving this author merely at "half-mast."

Female Southern Douchebags

It is believed that the strict adherence to this retarded dress code is a form of Peacocking, wherein douchebags must out-douche their rivals to impress and later nail potential mates.

Finally, two bizarre and incredibly douchy behaviors were observed:

1) Slap fights (we're not shitting you), where plastered Douchebag males slap each other as hard as possible in the face.

This baffles our team. The ritual appeared to accomplish nothing, yet involved a large crowd of cheering douches. We speculate that this skill may be useful in piloting a sailboat, managing a trust fund, or owning a plantation. Much more research is needed in this area.

2) Piss-trough sliding.

Males were observed collecting money in exchange for sliding in a trough full of piss. As they are mostly wealthy and enjoy exploiting minorities and poor people, it is hard to ascertain what the exact motivation for this particular ritual was. Further observation is again required.

In conclusion, Goddamn these people suck.